Tuesday, December 18, 2018

Communication

It was 5:16 AM when I wanted to get as far away from you as possible. Sitting there and listening to the gentle sound of your breathing was hurting me. I'd never felt that kind of pain before. I was kind of shell-shocked because up until that night, I didn't think you could hurt me. That's reason one for not leaving. Reason two? I didn't think you would come after me.

And being proven right would have shattered me.

It's important that you know this: people with brains like mine should never be given space. Solitude only encourages my insecurities to speak more eloquently, gives them time to convince me that every unheard statement and forgotten memory is a sign of your indifference. Every time I ask for space, I'm testing you. Why do you always fail me?

I know it's not fair. I'm sorry. Just please stop saying that you know me. Because if you really knew me, you wouldn't put me through this over and over again. If you really knew me, this would be impossibly cruel of you. And because I can't be persuaded of your malice, I'm persuaded of your indifference. I'm certain that's worse.

It hurts. It hurts so much. I need more. If you can't give more, I understand. But I guess that means... Well, I don't like what that means.

*     *     *

I wrote and posted this two weeks ago on one of those nights where I was just feeling terrible and overthinking everything, but the next morning I woke up feeling fine. In my drastically different mental state, it felt overdramatic having this up, so I took it down. But now that some time has passed, I realize that even though I was feeling dramatic, this came from a very real place. I'm working on transparency and vulnerability, so posting this feels like a good baby step.

<Lucy Cartin

Saturday, December 15, 2018

in Love with Tragedy

I want to break and be broken. To love until I destroy.
Or maybe until I'm destroyed.

Take the weight of your abandonment, of your distaste, and place it gingerly on my chest.
I want you to break my ribs

one

by

one.

Crush my lungs until they deflate. Suffocate me. Push me to the ground as I gasp for air. Give me a reason to feel empty and worthless, because I need something tangible to dwell on.

Tell me you love me. I'm begging you. Make me feel impossibly special, incandescently happy. Look at me with those eyes. Convince me that I'm the only one for you, that I'm the only person that matters.

And then, once I start floating, 
take it all away.

Shoot me down swiftly with a single catastrophic arrow.

And when I crash down with a violent thud, kick me
with
our
memories.

Beat me down with incessant reminders of what
could
have
been.

Leave me in tears, on my knees. Shower me with the tragedy that I crave, that I deserve. Drown me in my own regrets. Make me wish I had never taken a chance on you. On us.

<Lucy Cartin

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

A Lil Tsundere Poem

If there is something to desire,
Then I haven't noticed yet.
No I have not thought about you
Every moment since we met.
I do not smile like an idiot
When you stop and look my way,
And never have I blushed
When your voice tries on my name.
Your touch does not distract me.
Nor does your dorky laugh.
And I never think about you
When I should be doing math.
No there's nothing to desire.
Not your kindness or your wit.
'Cause if there was, I like to think
I would have noticed it.

<Lucy Cartin

Saturday, December 8, 2018

Fleeting

There's this notion of forever that I can't seem to shake. Logically, I know that it's false. It's nearly impossible that what we have is infinite because infinity is theoretical. This, like everything else, will meet its demise.

But I can't seem to convince my heart of what my head knows to be true. Because when your hand reaches out for mine, when I'm holding your head against my chest, when we're tangled up and laughing uncontrollably, it feels like I could never have this with another person. It feels like no one else could accept me the way you do or make me feel as safe or as comfortable as you do.

I know it's all just a feeling. And I know that feelings fade and that this will end. I have to convince myself of that. Because if the truth arrives before I learn to accept it, it will hurt too much. And I'm scared of how I'll react.

<Lucy Cartin
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