Friday, June 24, 2016


And it was absolutely PHANTASTIC.

I saw the last show of the US tour at Dolby Theater in Hollywood on June 23, 2016. The show didn't start until 8 at night, but in order to avoid 4-6 L.A. traffic my mom, my friend Dao, and I arrived at the venue around 3:30. We hung out at the Hollywood and Highland Mall, took photos in front of the TCL Chinese Theater, wandered down the Hollywood Walk of Fame for a bit, and, most importantly, saw tons of fellow phandom members scattered around the area before the show. It was so beautiful! The place was loaded with a decadent blend of tourists and people wearing cat whiskers, Dan and Phil shirts, and flower crowns. Some people even drew cat whiskers on their parents--it was absolutely adorable. My only regret is that I forgot to pin my little flowers around my space buns!

I can't stop smiling.

Dan made a playlist for before the show (you know--that part before every live performance where everyone's either finding their seat or waiting in it). I'd heard about this wonderful playlist on Tumblr, and--not gonna lie--the playlist was one of the things I was most excited for. I've never been to a concert before (I have pretty sensitive ears and I'm claustrophobic, so extremely loud places packed with sweaty people never really sounded like my cup of tea), but I kind of see the appeal now. Knowing the words to almost every song on that playlist and dancing with Dao in a massive venue full of people doing the same thing was invigorating. It was just so cool knowing that everyone knew the songs or knew the significance of the songs in the playlist--like we were all connected. Seriously, it was a beautiful experience.

And the show was just agh so amazing. And also not on fire. I laughed, I cried, I screamed until I burst my own eardrums from inside my head. Seriously, I phangirled to the max. I'm talking head shaking, knee slapping, feet stomping--the whole daisy's ass. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but the show basically consisted of jokes that everyone got, and it just felt wonderful to be in a room full of people who love the same thing (or in this case, people) as me. Any sort of fangirl will get this feeling, but you know when who/whatever your obsessed with does the thing and you have a physical reaction to it? Everyone in the room had the same physical reaction at the same time, and I got this feeling of just being understood. I mean, I didn't even talk to anyone besides Dao (who likes Dan and Phil, but isn't a phangirl), but I knew that we were all thinking the same thing when Dan and Phil made eye contact (the entire theater lost its shit, I stg).

And when the show was over, by some stroke of luck, the playlist (which was on shuffle) started playing "All Star" by Smash Mouth. Honestly, I don't think the tour could've ended on a better note.

I also had a moment of reflection after the show. There's been a fair amount of discussion on Tumblr about how, recently, Dan and Phil kind of embodying their "brand" in a way that feels forced. I noticed it as well and started to get a bit concerned that they were going to lose the authenticity that makes them so great. After seeing TATINOF though, I realized that this is just a result of them playing themselves in the show. If you think about it, they've done this show like fifty times (I can't be bothered to go look up the tour dates and count them, but the point is they've done it a lot). It's literally impossible for them to not sound rehearsed, so it makes sense that Dan "playing the character" of danisnotonfire and Phil "playing the character" of AmazingPhil would leak into their YouTube channels. This doesn't really have anything to do with them becoming unauthentic, and hopefully this rehearsed vibe will fade once they get a break from the tour.

Overall, TATINOF was an incredible experience (dare I say, this was the most fun I've ever had). I want to thank my darling Dao for not just coming with me, but for immersing herself in the phangirl vibes. It wouldn't have been nearly as wonderful if you hadn't been there to grab my hand and scream with me--love you babe.
Ten out of ten would recommend TATINOF.
<Lucy Cartin

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Last Summer

It sucks because I can remember being happy.

I consider last summer the happiest I've ever been. Memories of last summer are afternoons spent lying between cool grass and warm sunshine, long walks at sunset, dreaming of you at night. Maybe I was being naive, but I had a lot of hope in you. I assumed you would make me even happier, that you could do nothing but build me up--make me a better person.

It fucking sucks to be wrong, but I guess we can't all live in a dream forever, huh?

We live in this world where we all go around thinking that we're history in the making. Above average. Special. Can you believe it? We're taught to be this stupid. It's like some sort of societal paradox. I guess I have you to thank then. After eighteen years of lies and inflated egos, I finally met someone who was honest with me. We can't all be special--that completely undermines the meaning of the word. As statistics would have it, I'm average. And that's fine! Isn't it? It should be. Tons of people live happy, average lives. I should be able to do the same. I should. But I can't. Something inside of me is just not okay with being average. My life needs to have some sort of meaning, but no matter how hard I try I can't break down this wall of grey and cliche.

Just give it back--please. Clearly I can't get by without my innocence and childlike sense of wonder. I thought I could revive it on my own, or at least trick myself into thinking I still had it. But you took it from me, all of it. And now I can't restore it in any way whatsoever. I keep going through the motions of last summer: staring at the glowing white moon, wandering until the sun retires, watching children laugh in the park. The experience is so confusing because it feels just like last summer, but my optimism, my hope, and my faith are all gone. The world around me hasn't changed; the picture looks just the same. But I'm different now. Broken. Because of you. And it sucks.

I don't know where to go from here. The only thing I can think of is going back to last summer--before I met you. But that's impossible, huh?
<Lucy Cartin

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Mutual Destruction

It was a typical Friday night: I was lying in bed with an angsty fanfiction open on my tablet when my roommate walked in. Glancing up from the screen I asked, "Why are guys so much more attractive when they're kind of broken? Is that just me?"

She kind of laughed and said, "No I totally agree. There's just something so hot about vulnerability. Like I just want to hold him and make him better."

"Yeah, that makes sense. That must be it."

That was a few months ago, but recently I've been thinking about it more. That reasoning doesn't quite satisfy me. There's something more to it for me. It's like, I want to look at a guy and say, "Hey. You're broken and that sucks. But you know what? I'm broken too. It's okay. We can do this. Us against the world." He'd hold my forehead to his, and we'd stand there listening to crickets, the sound of the wind, and a car door slamming in the distance. Looking into each other's eyes, we'd think, I can fix you, and you can fix me.

But I also want to spiral.

I yearn to spiral down, down in a swirling storm of passion. Together we can gather enough cold anger and screaming depression to fuel a nuclear war. Dull grey clouds looming around a violent calamity, waiting to cloak the remains of two more insignificant souls. I want to break and be broken, to love so hard that I destroy. HIT ME. Make me feel something--please. Maybe then my anger will actually mean something.

Stay with me forever. Please. We can do this--together. Us against our mutual destruction. What do you say?

- - - - - - - - - -
I'm back!
<Lucy Cartin