Friday, October 28, 2016

Look How Cute My Socks Are

I want to claw my arms off
And scratch this evil itch.
But I smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

A barrage of incessant stares.
They want me to disappear.
But I smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

It feels like a guttural scream
Into an anechoic void.
But I smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

My heart aches for the time of day
When I can lay my head to rest.
But I'll smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

My universe feels empty
And I wonder when I can leave.
I'll just smile with my eyes
And pretend that I am fine.

Please just take me back.
My life here is pathetic.
Smile with your eyes.
Pretend that you are fine.

You're fine.
You're fine.

Nothingness pulses through my body,
But I'm smiling with my eyes.
I'm mastering the art of pretending to be fine.

* * *

Sorry for being an emo poet (and a below average one, at that). It's been a rough week and these words randomly came to me in the shower, so I figured I'd get them down.

Happy Halloweekend!

<Lucy Cartin

Tuesday, August 9, 2016

Tea Party and an Update

dress: Free People; bag: Marshall's; socks: Kenneth Cole; shoes: LoveD

Alright, well if you've been here for the past month, you'd notice that all I've been writing are one-shot drabbles. Drabbles because I get these random ideas for moments to write about, but I can't be bothered to sit down and develop them into more sophisticated pieces. One-shot because I'm too impatient to give the piece proper editing time. It seems very lazy and possibly wasteful, but the way I see it, at least I've got the ideas down. That way if I want to, I can come back and add depth and complexity or whatever to the pieces later.

I've actually been getting a lot of random shots of inspiration. Most of those turn into mediocre sketches in my sketchbook. I mentioned it in my last post, but my next post is going to be a peek into my sketchbook--which'll hopefully be fun. Not everything I've drawn this summer has been in my sketchbook, though. I actually have a fair few amount of things I've drawn/created for my dorm room. I'll hold off on showing those here until I do a dorm post (which will be in mid to late September). I have loads of cute plans for my room, so hopefully that'll be an aesthetically pleasing post.

Speaking of things I plan to do when I go back to school... I've decided to try and continue my yoga practice during fall quarter. Okay that sounded way ore dramatic than I intended. So I've been doing yoga since I was eleven, but for the most part I stop during the school year because I get preoccupied. After seeing how stressed and depressed I got during the school year, my mom suggested I take yoga classes at school. I agree that the exercise and time away from my desk will help me relax, so hopefully I'll stick to it! Besides, I've been getting a lot of physical benefits out of my practice lately. I try to go to two classes a week: one meditative and one vinyasa. That means that once a week I get to feel calm and tingly, and once a week I get to feel sweaty and powerful. Ideally, when I mix those feelings in with high-strung and busy, I'll get happy and energized. Fingers crossed!

The other week I accidentally caught an episode of Gilmore Girls on ABC Family (or Freeform, as it's now called), and I got hooked again. Have you ever watched it? The banter and the light drama are absolutely ace. And I cannot wait until she meets Logan!! They just started showing season five, and Logan comes in on the third episode of season five (I just looked it up--I'm not totally obsessed). My absolute favorite episode has got to be when Rory follows Logan to the Life and Death Brigade retreat. That dress he gets her is stunning, and the whole event is just so grand and amazing. Sigh. I just love a grand gesture.

Hey, let's talk outfit! Haven't done that in ages. So my roommate flew down for a weekend and wanted to take some cute photos of us. I figured I'd take advantage of the opportunity and get some cute blog photos while we were at the location. I knew that there were lots of fun backdrops here, so I wanted to pick an outfit that was quirky enough to match the vibe, but not loud enough to clash. I opted for a dress with a rather simple pattern, but I decided to go for my signature look and throw a second pattern into the mix. The silhouette of the dress and the wedges create a very soft and girly vibe that reminded me of a tea party. Hence the name of this post. Ta da!

Sorry if that was a bit rambly, but I had fun! It's been awhile since I've done a more casual post. How have you been? Anything new and exciting in your life? New clothes? New people? New home decor? Leave me a comment, I'd love to know.

<Lucy Cartin

Sunday, July 31, 2016

Feel Anything

We'd stepped outside for a quick study break and found ourselves settling into the field nearby. All I could hear was wind gliding past the trees and the soft breathing of the moon. After three hours of being affronted by the constant buzz of the fluorescent lights in the library, this was nice. I heard a light sigh from a couple inches away.

"What's wrong, Erin? Tired?"

"Yeah, kind of." She paused. "I dunno, there's just a lot going on."

I scrunched my eyebrows together before questioning, "Like with school?"

She shuffled pensively and sighed again. "Do you ever feel like you have too many emotions? Like there's more energy or feelings sitting in your body than there's supposed to be?"

I blinked back and exhaled. "I guess sometimes. Like when I'm excited about something. Is that what you mean?"

"Not exactly... I mean sometimes I've got all this energy, and it makes me want to do something big. Sometimes I'll just be sitting there, and then all of a sudden my heart starts racing, and I just get this urge to find a friend and start laughing--

"Is that why you randomly showed up at my room yesterday?"

"Or I want to run forever or talk for hours or do something big. And happy, ya know?"

There was a quick pulse in my chest when I asked, "Like falling in love?"

Erin shot up to sit and face me. "Yes! Exactly! I just feel this need to do something grand and wonderful. Something significant."

Raising my eyebrow, I glanced at her. "Well that sounds great. Why'd you sound so down about it a minute ago?"

Her gaze dropped to hands, and she began to pick at her nails. She let out a light chuckle and said, "Well it's only like that half the time. And even so, it kind of sucks wanting to fall in love and having no one to fall in love with."

"You could fall in love with me," I joked, and she just laughed. A soft laugh that rang through the night and mingled with the stars.

"But half of the time there's just so many emotions that I just kind of go numb. Like I sit there with something swirling inside of me, but my head feels empty and I don't want to move. Occasionally it'll last awhile, and it makes me feel trapped. Then I start thinking about those bad things I told you about."

I pressed my lips together in a line and brought my gaze up to meet hers. She was staring off into the space behind me, her eyes a mix of exhaustion and daze. She worries me sometimes. "Please don't."

"I don't choose to," she replied curtly. "It just happens sometimes."

With a heavy sigh, I lifted myself up so I was sat in front of her. "I know, I'm sorry. Can I do anything? I want to help."

She forgave me with a smile and laughed gently before looking at me. "Thank you. That means a lot."

I gave her a confused grin and teased, "Hey. You didn't tell me what to do!"

"Just be here. Be my friend, please."

I held her hand and her gaze. "Always."

The photo above is something I drew last night while watching Friends. I've actually been drawing a ton recently, so I'm thinking of doing a little peek-into-my-sketchbook type post soon. So look forward to that! Or don't. To each her own.

<Lucy Cartin

Wednesday, July 20, 2016

The Corner

hat: Daiso; bandana: Michael's;
shirt: hand-me-down/DIY; dress: Free People

Her head falls back to rest on the wall behind her. Hair sticks to the sweat on her face as she trembles to the ground, sliding into the corner. Eyes seal shut to block out the darkness that cloaks the room--that doesn't help. She can still sense their energy, hear their hungry panting. Legs kick frantically at the ground, trying to push her further into the corner, as if somehow she can escape. Her muscles are so tense they quiver, and she waits for them to come for her. Whatever they are. Those things that have been following her for ages. She's certain that this time they'll attack.
They keep following her, wherever she goes. Sometimes they quietly trail a few paces behind her. She doesn't mind it then. It's almost like having company. Other times they work up to a brisk walk and move in step with her. That's kind of okay, too. She can manage them, keep them in check. But whenever she starts getting comfortable, they start growling. Then they screech and yell. Then they break into a predatory sprint and reach and scratch and grab and claw and scare her, so she starts running until her legs go numb and her head feels dizzy.
Hit a wall. Ball on the floor. Her legs can't carry her anymore. All the energy's gone to her arms and hands and fingers. She's not in control anymore, so she shuts her eyes and lets the energy take over as her arms flail and twist. Wrists roll, fingers curl, tears run. She's twisting into herself as her nails scratch down her forearms and fists punch at nothing.

Nothing, huh.

Deep breath in. Hold it. Let it go. Arms pinned down. Daring to open her eyes, she realizes she's alone again. Nothing's there. Everything's fine.
This keeps happening. Try as she might, she never understands why. And God knows she doesn't know how to make it stop. At this point, she'd rather have them finish the job. Reach inside her and cut the cord. End the suffering. But they never even lay a finger on her. That's why she can't get help. No one would believe her, even the people who claim to "care" would say she's lying. Right? There's no proof, so it's not a real problem.
* * *
Went to a Hello Kitty pop up cafe with some friends the other day! Honestly, it was overpriced and there wasn't much there (especially since I've been to a full-on two story Hello Kitty cafe in Taiwan), but it was still adorable. Anyway, I'm super psyched about this dress! About five years ago, I saw Free People post this dress style on their Facebook, and I fell in love. Unfortunately, it was $90. Ouch. My mom said we'd buy it as soon as it went on sale. I checked the Free People section in every store for years with no success, until FINALLY I found this one for $35 in a Nordstrom Rack. And they say Tauruses aren't patient. Pssh.

Someone once told my that my mind bounces around a lot.

<Lucy Cartin

Friday, July 15, 2016

Cool Albums

I've done music posts before, but I'm trying something new. Here are some albums that I've enjoyed over the past year. (These are in alphabetical order by album title, not chronological order.)
1. Astoria by Marianas Trench. Things aren't exactly going to plan... I'm clinging onto this thinning rope and can only see everything getting worse. All that lies in front of me is my desk--no future, no progress. Breathe in, breathe out. There's this busy street between my room and my classes that I cross every day. For some reason I can't stop thinking about just running into it. Don't worry, I don't intend to do it. But it's this notion I can't drop. I'm happiest when I sleep. I've never looked forward to bedtime so much in my life. At first, it's just a distraction--something fun while I do homework. It turns into lyrics that mean a lot to me. I start writing the words on my arms, so I can always have them with me. Suddenly I know every word, and I'm singing along and dancing.
2. Badlands by Halsey. Warm sunshine. Okay, blazing hot sunshine. I almost feel like the sun has a personal vendetta against me. A/C blasting in my face as my hands rest on the steering wheel. The love child of a hipster scowl and a knowing smirk dance across my lips as I bob my head and roll my arm like a wave. Fast forward a few weeks to a hot, stuffy dorm room. I'm reading when I hear it faintly playing from her laptop. Excitedly I scream, "WHO'S PLAYING HALSEY?" and run towards the sound. Roommates bond for the first time.
3. Blue Neighborhood by Troye Sivan. The album drops and I play it instantly, listening while I do homework. His voice and tone and intention are all so raw and emotional. I feel my heart shifting as I drop my pen on my desk. Muscles go limp. Not moving an inch, I pause and stare into space as I listen to Troye. And that's all I wanna do right now.
4. Crybaby by Melanie Martinez. Eyes wide, lips parted in an oh. My head falls lazily to the side, and my shoulders fall into a rhythm. Her music's like a mirror. Truthful cynicism shrouded in an innocent facade. Eyelids droop, lips loosen to let lyrics flow by a sharp tongue. Sharp. Movements. Wit. Glaring because she's angered me using nothing but reality. But you know me--I love having something to be angry about.
5. HAIZ by Hailee Steinfeld. Lying on my bed with headphones on. Last I remember, I was lip singing with my eyes closed, but somehow I'm now sitting up and belting out the words. My eyes squeeze shut, and my hands close into fists as I pull them down to my sides. I start bobbing my head and shoulders as the chorus fills my head again.
6. That's the Spirit by Bring Me the Horizon. Something's not right. I don't feel like myself lately. A thousand reasons come to mind, but I decide to ignore all of them. I'll stay here for awhile. I hate that I think so, but there's something romantic about depression. There's a form of beauty in being stripped down to nothing, in having your optimism torn out of your hands. It's kind of addicting--being sucked in like that. My mind wanders to the depths of my memories, searching for ways to fall deeper. The sun went to bed a few hours ago, but no one's bothered to turn on the lights yet. Settling into the couch, I turn up the volume and listen--a blank gaze taking over my eyes.
7. This Side of Paradise by Hayley Kiyoko. The music videos came first, from my perspective, at least. Youthful. She embodies this youthfulness, this sense of adventure. I want that. Intensity arrives, but my muscles relax as I envision myself in her place. The sound is dynamic, and I can't help but nod my head in agreement. Her voice flows in vivid color, and I want nothing more than to be drenched in her rainbow.
Hope you enjoyed that! I know that nobody has time to listen to an entire album these days (especially if the person telling you to listen to it is some random girl on the internet), but below I've linked one song from each album that stood out to me. Please give one of the songs a listen if any of the albums interested you even a little bit.

1.  -Marianas Trench
2.  -Halsey
3.  -Troye Sivan
4.  -Melanie Martinez
5.  -Hailee Steinfeld
6.  -Bring Me The Horizon
7.  -Hayley Kiyoko

hellokuo on Spotify if you're interested in stalking what I listen to.

<Lucy Cartin

Sunday, July 10, 2016

Abandoning Normativity

dress: Nordstrom Rack; bomber: Zara; purse: BCBGeneration;
socks: Kohl's; shoes: Topshop

Weird has become mainstream over the last few years. Or at least saying you're weird has become popular. Forgive me for being absolutely ridiculous, but I get mildly annoyed when normal people with a minor quirk call themselves weird.

Let me explain.
As a person who doesn't easily mesh with her fellow human beings, I'm quite sensitive about the word "weird." I've recently concluded that I have a different idea of what words and topics are acceptable in casual conversations. It's quite common for me to say extremely depressing, violent, or strange things as a form of humor. Sue me--I'm a product of Internet culture. Consequently, when people tell me they're weird, I take that to mean that they're familiar with japes of the aforementioned manner, and I just let the dark humor flow.
A year ago, I thought I was quirky. Upon meeting oodles of new people during my first year of college, I realized that I'm weird. And not fun "iCarly" weird. I'm talking "people give me weird looks and don't know how to respond when I speak" weird. For awhile there, I spent a lot of down time wondering if I'd make more friends by training myself to be more like the people around me. Luckily, I shut that idea down quickly. I've mentioned before how much I , but I'm also very against changing who I am to please other people. It's definitely not the easiest way to live, but I choose to believe that being the "me" that makes me happy is the best way to live.
I live by a different checklist than most people, and I move at a different pace. Meaning, my milestones do not necessarily align with those of the people around me, and I don't reach said milestones in a way that corresponds with the timeline dictated by societal expectations. This also implies that if I choose to measure my life by the same ruler as everyone else, I'll always be dissatisfied.

Although it means that I'll probably never be one of those girls who has a ton of friends, I embrace the elements of my character that estrange me from the norm.

Relevant song: "" by Troye Sivan

<Lucy Cartin

Friday, July 1, 2016

and then Bethany came along

As she opened her arms to hug me, I reached my arm out to shake her hand--in which our first interaction serves as a relevant depiction of our relationship.

One of the first things I learned in college is that, compared to most people my age, I go to bed quite early. 90% of the time, I'll be in bed by midnight--whereas my roommate, Bethany, typically rolls in around 2 A.M. (at least that's what I assume... I rarely see her actually get into bed). One day, we actually went to sleep at the same time *gasp*, and as we're lying in our respective bunks, Bethany says, "You know, us living together is like having a sleepover every night." And in true sleepover fashion, she starts asking me all kinds of questions about any and all aspects of my life.

This may sound weird, but before I met Bethany, I never had a friend ask me so many questions. I guess I've never actually tried to get to know someone before. In the past, I always kind of let it happen over the course of a few years. Despite how foreign it was at first, I can't express how grateful I am to have had someone with such a deep interest and sincere care for other human beings thrown into my life. Not only have I been blessed with my own personal ray of sunshine, but she's made me slightly more comfortable with getting to know people (which is something I've struggled with for a long time  and ).

Unfortunately for everyone around me, I'm one of those disgusting humans who's annoyingly subtle whenever I'm upset. Even when people ask, I really struggle to put my thoughts into words, to say something other than "everything's fine". For some reason, Bethany has the power to know when I'm in a mood before a pout can even reach my face. And for some reason, whenever she asks me what's wrong I manage to explain. Crazy stuff. Well, not too crazy, I suppose. In my nineteen years of life, no one has been more honest and open with me than Bethany. I guess that's a good reason.

Aside from all this mushy crap, Bethany and I have all the good bants. A general highlight of my first year of college is a blur of our sleepover-movie-night-chicken-nugget-quests. We've talked about everything from boys ("Yeah, but cute how?" "... in the face?") to fears to our least favorite colors. We've literally talked to the point where we've looked at each other and said, "What haven't I told you?" and then continued talking.

The conversation falls to silence as I start dozing off, and after a few moments of nothing but our breathing, she whispers (creepily, might I add), "This was the best sleepover ever." And then I'm dying in a fit of snorts and eye-rolls.

Bethany, you seem to have an endless supply of dirty laundry and empty boba cups, but there isn't another person I'd rather room with. Here's to another year of Man and Than.

Friday, June 24, 2016


And it was absolutely PHANTASTIC.

I saw the last show of the US tour at Dolby Theater in Hollywood on June 23, 2016. The show didn't start until 8 at night, but in order to avoid 4-6 L.A. traffic my mom, my friend Dao, and I arrived at the venue around 3:30. We hung out at the Hollywood and Highland Mall, took photos in front of the TCL Chinese Theater, wandered down the Hollywood Walk of Fame for a bit, and, most importantly, saw tons of fellow phandom members scattered around the area before the show. It was so beautiful! The place was loaded with a decadent blend of tourists and people wearing cat whiskers, Dan and Phil shirts, and flower crowns. Some people even drew cat whiskers on their parents--it was absolutely adorable. My only regret is that I forgot to pin my little flowers around my space buns!

I can't stop smiling.

Dan made a playlist for before the show (you know--that part before every live performance where everyone's either finding their seat or waiting in it). I'd heard about this wonderful playlist on Tumblr, and--not gonna lie--the playlist was one of the things I was most excited for. I've never been to a concert before (I have pretty sensitive ears and I'm claustrophobic, so extremely loud places packed with sweaty people never really sounded like my cup of tea), but I kind of see the appeal now. Knowing the words to almost every song on that playlist and dancing with Dao in a massive venue full of people doing the same thing was invigorating. It was just so cool knowing that everyone knew the songs or knew the significance of the songs in the playlist--like we were all connected. Seriously, it was a beautiful experience.

And the show was just agh so amazing. And also not on fire. I laughed, I cried, I screamed until I burst my own eardrums from inside my head. Seriously, I phangirled to the max. I'm talking head shaking, knee slapping, feet stomping--the whole daisy's ass. I don't want to spoil anything for anyone, but the show basically consisted of jokes that everyone got, and it just felt wonderful to be in a room full of people who love the same thing (or in this case, people) as me. Any sort of fangirl will get this feeling, but you know when who/whatever your obsessed with does the thing and you have a physical reaction to it? Everyone in the room had the same physical reaction at the same time, and I got this feeling of just being understood. I mean, I didn't even talk to anyone besides Dao (who likes Dan and Phil, but isn't a phangirl), but I knew that we were all thinking the same thing when Dan and Phil made eye contact (the entire theater lost its shit, I stg).

And when the show was over, by some stroke of luck, the playlist (which was on shuffle) started playing "All Star" by Smash Mouth. Honestly, I don't think the tour could've ended on a better note.

I also had a moment of reflection after the show. There's been a fair amount of discussion on Tumblr about how, recently, Dan and Phil kind of embodying their "brand" in a way that feels forced. I noticed it as well and started to get a bit concerned that they were going to lose the authenticity that makes them so great. After seeing TATINOF though, I realized that this is just a result of them playing themselves in the show. If you think about it, they've done this show like fifty times (I can't be bothered to go look up the tour dates and count them, but the point is they've done it a lot). It's literally impossible for them to not sound rehearsed, so it makes sense that Dan "playing the character" of danisnotonfire and Phil "playing the character" of AmazingPhil would leak into their YouTube channels. This doesn't really have anything to do with them becoming unauthentic, and hopefully this rehearsed vibe will fade once they get a break from the tour.

Overall, TATINOF was an incredible experience (dare I say, this was the most fun I've ever had). I want to thank my darling Dao for not just coming with me, but for immersing herself in the phangirl vibes. It wouldn't have been nearly as wonderful if you hadn't been there to grab my hand and scream with me--love you babe.
Ten out of ten would recommend TATINOF.
<Lucy Cartin

Wednesday, June 22, 2016

Last Summer

It sucks because I can remember being happy.

I consider last summer the happiest I've ever been. Memories of last summer are afternoons spent lying between cool grass and warm sunshine, long walks at sunset, dreaming of you at night. Maybe I was being naive, but I had a lot of hope in you. I assumed you would make me even happier, that you could do nothing but build me up--make me a better person.

It fucking sucks to be wrong, but I guess we can't all live in a dream forever, huh?

We live in this world where we all go around thinking that we're history in the making. Above average. Special. Can you believe it? We're taught to be this stupid. It's like some sort of societal paradox. I guess I have you to thank then. After eighteen years of lies and inflated egos, I finally met someone who was honest with me. We can't all be special--that completely undermines the meaning of the word. As statistics would have it, I'm average. And that's fine! Isn't it? It should be. Tons of people live happy, average lives. I should be able to do the same. I should. But I can't. Something inside of me is just not okay with being average. My life needs to have some sort of meaning, but no matter how hard I try I can't break down this wall of grey and cliche.

Just give it back--please. Clearly I can't get by without my innocence and childlike sense of wonder. I thought I could revive it on my own, or at least trick myself into thinking I still had it. But you took it from me, all of it. And now I can't restore it in any way whatsoever. I keep going through the motions of last summer: staring at the glowing white moon, wandering until the sun retires, watching children laugh in the park. The experience is so confusing because it feels just like last summer, but my optimism, my hope, and my faith are all gone. The world around me hasn't changed; the picture looks just the same. But I'm different now. Broken. Because of you. And it sucks.

I don't know where to go from here. The only thing I can think of is going back to last summer--before I met you. But that's impossible, huh?
<Lucy Cartin

Wednesday, June 15, 2016

Mutual Destruction

It was a typical Friday night: I was lying in bed with an angsty fanfiction open on my tablet when my roommate walked in. Glancing up from the screen I asked, "Why are guys so much more attractive when they're kind of broken? Is that just me?"

She kind of laughed and said, "No I totally agree. There's just something so hot about vulnerability. Like I just want to hold him and make him better."

"Yeah, that makes sense. That must be it."

That was a few months ago, but recently I've been thinking about it more. That reasoning doesn't quite satisfy me. There's something more to it for me. It's like, I want to look at a guy and say, "Hey. You're broken and that sucks. But you know what? I'm broken too. It's okay. We can do this. Us against the world." He'd hold my forehead to his, and we'd stand there listening to crickets, the sound of the wind, and a car door slamming in the distance. Looking into each other's eyes, we'd think, I can fix you, and you can fix me.

But I also want to spiral.

I yearn to spiral down, down in a swirling storm of passion. Together we can gather enough cold anger and screaming depression to fuel a nuclear war. Dull grey clouds looming around a violent calamity, waiting to cloak the remains of two more insignificant souls. I want to break and be broken, to love so hard that I destroy. HIT ME. Make me feel something--please. Maybe then my anger will actually mean something.

Stay with me forever. Please. We can do this--together. Us against our mutual destruction. What do you say?

- - - - - - - - - -
I'm back!
<Lucy Cartin

Friday, March 4, 2016


hat: Daiso; top: Topshop; cardigan: Target; shorts: Hollister;
socks: Nordstrom Rack; shoes: Halogen

"always on the hunt for a little more time"
"Well I've been deep in this sleeplessness--I don't know why. 
Just can't get away from myself."
"But I'll smile 'til I'm blue, so that you will smile too."
"too much gravity to feel the high"
"Can't find paradise on the ground."
"but all we need is daylight"

Basically a compilation of song lyrics I've been vibing with lately. If you want to know where any of them came from just leave me a comment, and I'll be happy to link you to it!

<Lucy Cartin

Friday, January 22, 2016


hat: Daiso; shirt: hand me down; blouse: TJ Maxx;
pants: Forever 21; shoes: Halogen; bag: Michael Kors

Perfectionist is a thing that I am. Over the past five or so years I've been working really hard to fight it, and I've gotten better, but my perfectionism still manages to persist. Non-perfectionists tend to wonder why I would want to eliminate my perfectionism, and I guess that's understandable--who wouldn't want to be perfect?

Perfectionism is a desire for just that: perfection. The problem is, we don't live in a perfect world. Perfection is impossible. A perfectionist isn't a person living in a clean room full of straight lines and organized shelves. Sure, my room is clean, my handwriting's neat, and my closet is organized, but perfectionism goes beyond that. At its worst, perfectionism is an obsession--an uncontrollable urge to have everything done my way. And, at least for me, when that need cannot be fulfilled, anxiety ensues. Frustration because things aren't going according to plan. Anger because I'm incapable of executing a simple task. Stress. Tears. Fists. And when it's all over, I just feel like a stupid failure.
I used to always feel a bit annoyed when classmates called them selves or other people perfectionists for wanting things to be neat. Almost like assigning the term to something so trivial illegitimizes it. Even worse is when people call it OCD. Calling a baseline desire for cleanliness a disorder is just irksome. And I don't even have OCD! Perfectionism is barely even a branch of OCD, so I can only imagine how annoyed people with actual OCD must be.

I digress. As much as the anxiety sucks, there's always a small part of me that doesn't want to let go of the perfectionist in me. It's just such a huge part of who I am. When I first started working against my perfectionism and seeing results, I was kind of upset. A little nostalgic, I guess. It was like a piece of me died--a bad piece, yeah, but it was me nonetheless. But sometimes you need to just let go of the old to welcome in the new. Blegh. I'm so cliche.
Had a bit of an anxiety fit last night, which is what inspired me to write this. The anxiety fit wasn't perfection induced, but the feeling was the same. This was the first one I've had to deal with without my mom, so it was pretty bad. I got through it though, so I guess that means I'm growing up. Ugh blegh more cliche.

Feeling artsy and vintage in this outfit. Some quirky print mixing and the soft shape of my work shirt juxtaposed with the hard edges of my beret and patent-leather-look shoes really embody a chill, quasi bohemian chick who's actually extremely high strung.

Happy Friday!

<Lucy Cartin

Friday, January 8, 2016

On My Mind

t-shirt: original by me; shirt: TJ Maxx; jeans: American Eagle;
bag: Michael Kors; shoes: Topshop

I'm back in school! Usually that statement comes with a groan, but I'm honestly a bit thankful. I'm going through a weird time right now, and lately I only feel comfortable when I'm studying or sitting in class. Anyway, I had a somewhat deep topic that I wanted to discuss here, but since I'm not feeling to great about life right now, I know it's going to get depressing pretty quickly. And I hate constantly moaning, so I'm not going to let myself moan. Instead, I'm going to focus on the positive things in my life. So this is going to be a really quick post, but here are three good things that happened this week:

1. I was reunited with my roommate who I love. Actually, I was reunited with all five of my roommates, and it's so great to be around them again. They're all such wonderful and hilarious people.

2. I talked to different people this week! I ripped the fear off like a band-aid and walked up to different people and SAID WORDS. It was incredibly stressful, and it didn't go spectacularly well, BUT I DID IT. And that's what matters.

3. I had an awesome meal yesterday. One of the dining halls was absolutely killing it yesterday, and I ate until I couldn't eat anymore.

What good things happened for you this week?

<Lucy Cartin