Saturday, March 2, 2019


Sunshine. Blue sky. Cheap high. Lullaby.

The street shines with a thin layer of fresh rain and the blurry reflections of headlights. A girl on the sidewalk vacantly stares into oncoming traffic, hoping her bus will arrive soon. She focuses on the sights and the smells and the sounds around her to keep her brain from drifting. Glowing streetlights and store signs fill the darkness with a hazy sense of life. Don't go there. The neutral scent of wet sidewalks floats past her nose. Think about something else. Quickly. A woman detailing the events of her day into her cell phone breaks up the crackling whooshes of cars driving over pavement. I'm begging you not to obsess over this. She feels a sting in her eyes as the thoughts she's desperately trying to avoid flood her head space. Why do you always do this? Slowly, she swipes the back of her index finger under her right eye as she stands up a little straighter--refocusing her attention to oncoming traffic and hoping that her bus will arrive soon. Why does he keep doing this? Rain patters gently on the sidewalk, and a man pushing a shopping cart full of blankets and jackets stops to sit on the bench a few feet away. How did I come to let his past affect me this much? The stinging returns with greater intensity. The bus finally pulls up, so she pulls her bus pass out of her jacket pocket and makes her way towards the door. I'll always be the one who could never compare, won't I? She swipes her bus pass and walks towards the back of the bus, tears rolling down her cheeks as she sits down. Everything hurts.

My best habit's letting you down.

- - -

Just some stream of consciousness. Also "My Best Habit" is a fantastic song by The Maine.

<Lucy Cartin

Tuesday, December 18, 2018


It was 5:16 AM when I wanted to get as far away from you as possible. Sitting there and listening to the gentle sound of your breathing was hurting me. I'd never felt that kind of pain before. I was kind of shell-shocked because up until that night, I didn't think you could hurt me. That's reason one for not leaving. Reason two? I didn't think you would come after me.

And being proven right would have shattered me.

It's important that you know this: people with brains like mine should never be given space. Solitude only encourages my insecurities to speak more eloquently, gives them time to convince me that every unheard statement and forgotten memory is a sign of your indifference. Every time I ask for space, I'm testing you. Why do you always fail me?

I know it's not fair. I'm sorry. Just please stop saying that you know me. Because if you really knew me, you wouldn't put me through this over and over again. If you really knew me, this would be impossibly cruel of you. And because I can't be persuaded of your malice, I'm persuaded of your indifference. I'm certain that's worse.

It hurts. It hurts so much. I need more. If you can't give more, I understand. But I guess that means... Well, I don't like what that means.

*     *     *

I wrote and posted this two weeks ago on one of those nights where I was just feeling terrible and overthinking everything, but the next morning I woke up feeling fine. In my drastically different mental state, it felt overdramatic having this up, so I took it down. But now that some time has passed, I realize that even though I was feeling dramatic, this came from a very real place. I'm working on transparency and vulnerability, so posting this feels like a good baby step.

<Lucy Cartin

Saturday, December 15, 2018

in Love with Tragedy

I want to break and be broken. To love until I destroy.
Or maybe until I'm destroyed.

Take the weight of your abandonment, of your distaste, and place it gingerly on my chest.
I want you to break my ribs




Crush my lungs until they deflate. Suffocate me. Push me to the ground as I gasp for air. Give me a reason to feel empty and worthless, because I need something tangible to dwell on.

Tell me you love me. I'm begging you. Make me feel impossibly special, incandescently happy. Look at me with those eyes. Convince me that I'm the only one for you, that I'm the only person that matters.

And then, once I start floating, 
take it all away.

Shoot me down swiftly with a single catastrophic arrow.

And when I crash down with a violent thud, kick me

Beat me down with incessant reminders of what

Leave me in tears, on my knees. Shower me with the tragedy that I crave, that I deserve. Drown me in my own regrets. Make me wish I had never taken a chance on you. On us.

<Lucy Cartin

Wednesday, December 12, 2018

A Lil Tsundere Poem

If there is something to desire,
Then I haven't noticed yet.
No I have not thought about you
Every moment since we met.
I do not smile like an idiot
When you stop and look my way,
And never have I blushed
When your voice tries on my name.
Your touch does not distract me.
Nor does your dorky laugh.
And I never think about you
When I should be doing math.
No there's nothing to desire.
Not your kindness or your wit.
'Cause if there was, I like to think
I would have noticed it.

<Lucy Cartin

Saturday, December 8, 2018


There's this notion of forever that I can't seem to shake. Logically, I know that it's false. It's nearly impossible that what we have is infinite because infinity is theoretical. This, like everything else, will meet its demise.

But I can't seem to convince my heart of what my head knows to be true. Because when your hand reaches out for mine, when I'm holding your head against my chest, when we're tangled up and laughing uncontrollably, it feels like I could never have this with another person. It feels like no one else could accept me the way you do or make me feel as safe or as comfortable as you do.

I know it's all just a feeling. And I know that feelings fade and that this will end. I have to convince myself of that. Because if the truth arrives before I learn to accept it, it will hurt too much. And I'm scared of how I'll react.

<Lucy Cartin

Thursday, November 22, 2018

Faces Going Places

// 11 PM. A Toyota Prius. JONATHON is in the driver’s seat. ALICE is in the back seat.

JONATHON: You know, you’re one of the most silent people I’ve ever driven. And I’ve been driving for almost a year now.

ALICE: Oh, um… Sorry?

JONATHON: Nah, don’t be. I’m just making an observation is all.

ALICE: Right.

JONATHON: You look very pensive. What with your head resting on the window and all. Very dramatic.

ALICE: Laughs. I guess you’re right.

JONATHON: I can tell you’ve got a lot going on in your head. See, you and I must be very different. When I’ve got a lot going on in my head, I just let it all out. Even when there’s nothing in my head, I just talk and talk and talk. My friends can never get me to shut up!

ALICE: Laughs. Yeah, that’s the opposite of me.

Both are silent for a bit. JONATHON waits, hoping ALICE will continue.

ALICE: I guess for me, the thoughts kind of get stuck in my head.

JONATHON: Like you can’t find the words?

ALICE: Like I can’t find the right words.

JONATHON: Well why do you need the right words? Any words will do! Doesn’t it feel better to just get it all out there?

ALICE: Probably? I don’t know, it just doesn’t come naturally to me.

JONATHON: Let’s practice then! Come on! Tell me what’s on your mind.

ALICE shifts in her seat.

JONATHON: I mean, of course you don’t have to if you don’t want to. I just figured I’d let you try. And I’m naturally pretty nosy. I just like knowing what’s going on with people is all.


ALICE: I think I’m in love with my girlfriend.

JONATHON: Hey, that’s great!

ALICE: But, uh, I think she has someone else in her heart.

JONATHON: Like, she’s cheating?

ALICE: No, no. She wouldn’t do that. I just… Sometimes it feels like… I don’t know, she doesn't think about me.


ALICE: Yeah. But she occupies my head constantly. I just feel like I’ll never get that space in her heart. And it just feels so unfair. Like, I’m always loving people more than they’ll love me.

JONATHON: Well… I admire that you have a lot of love to give.

ALICE: Don’t you think I’ll run out one day?

JONATHON: I should hope not. (beat) Okay, sorry to cut you off like this, but this is your building?

ALICE: Yup, this is me. Thanks.

ALICE starts climbing out of the car.

JONATHON: Cool. Good luck with everything.

ALICE: Thanks, you too. Have a good night.

ALICE starts closing the door, but pauses.

ALICE: You know, it’s a lot easier to talk to people when they’re not staring right at you.

JONATHON: Laughs. Yeah, I guess that’s true.

* * *
I had to write a little bit of dialogue for a class back in October, and I woke up this morning with a strong desire to post it here. It's so weird how posting things on the internet for no one to see has become very therapeutic for me.

<Lucy Cartin

Sunday, November 18, 2018

Carbon Dioxide

When we're together like this
I can only breathe in
Whatever you exhale.
And I know that it isn't enough,
That it isn't sustainable.
But I just can't get myself
To turn away.

<Lucy Cartin